It’s been a while hasn’t it?
Well life moves on and I’m feeling the whole of my life and it sucks, it sucks huge big vomit inducing clumps of pain and emotional scarring so bad you want to peel off your soul and scrub it clean. Knowing it will never come clean again, because what has happened cannot be reversed.
You see I figured something out…
It took a few days, nearly a week of doubting myself until my sister dropped out a bombshell on me when we were going to hers. You see I’d given him a few questions to ask her, seeing as I was trying to reconcile and actually get a family back. There were about ten in all.
She tells me there were about thirty…..yeah thirty. He’d added his own, then he proceeds to tell her that he thought I was a prostitute before he met up with me again. That that was how I was making my living, I wasn’t, I couldn’t and the whole bottom of my stomach fell away.
You see he saw her BEFORE I got sick, a whole two weeks before I got ill, so he’d talked to her about it when he told me he’d just said it as a reaction to me being hospitalised.
Then I hear from someone else he announced to a whole room full of people that same wonderful message, that I HAD been a prostitute.
Yeah….let that sink in, he told my close friends, the people who knew me, talked with me that I had some awful secrets and that I had been a sex worker and that I was really gay.
Now to my friends they know my views on sex workers, I think it should be legalised and taxed like any other work and policed properly. I have an open mind (as someone once said I’m like Nanny Ogg but broader minded 😉 )
So he had been trying to turn everyone I could turn to against me, telling them I had lied to them about who I was and what I was. That I was a money grabbing, unfaithful woman who was constantly lusting after one person or another. That I was the one controlling him and making unreasonable demands on his time and body.
He tried to convince my sister that I was after her money and that I was gay and as soon as I had what I wanted from her I’d probably not see her again ever.
Now, I’m thankful for my sisters calm mind and bullshit meter, because all she did was just ignore every damn thing that came out of his mouth.
closeness for me is hard, I mean really hard, I hug around ten people, if I’m honest I still feel afraid of touch from some people but it’s my problem not theirs. It’s my difficulty and I don’t see them from year to year anyhoo.
So back to him….the lying corrupt morally bankrupt person he is.
He’s setting up a trap, one I have no idea of, I’m already locked out of seeing friends and them coming to see me because he’s telling them I don’t want to or I’m too ill.
My mental state is being eroded, I have no control, no keys, no money, no hope, no one to reach out to and when I ask him how the meet up went, he tells me everyone was glad to see him and only a few people asked about me.
The truth was different, he spent three hours assassinating my character and telling people I was cheating on him and probably had for years with other so called ‘male friends’. Painting me the whore to everyone and telling them how much the cancer had changed me internally and how badly he was coping with the ‘new revealed me’.
So i think I’m abandoned, there is no one there, no hope, nothing to hold onto anymore so my mind does what it always did, it looks for a way out, a way to get some control back and there is only one way left, how I die.
The trap….
Planned laid and baited, I was ready, even got the damn plan written out and how to do it painlessly.
I didn’t but the thought entered my head and made a horrific kind of sense to me, he’d already told everyone how my mental world was unbalanced, that I wasn’t okay. I had things no one else knew and how much of a burden he’d had to undergo by keeping them. When they were nothing but imagined lies he’d convinced himself of and so he convinced everyone else of them.
He was readying himself to be the widower, the poor man who’s wife had gone mad at the end of her suffering life and how much he should be applauded for being there with me for all this time.
Setting a trap he’d laid out for me to follow for the last few months and years because as he’d told me ‘He didn’t want me anymore, and hadn’t for a few years now.’
He’d only stayed because of how it would have made him look to others, that they would think less of him if he left me….but if I killed myself, well, she was unbalanced, she was mad….
Where Have I Heard This Before?
Oh yeah, from every controlling bastard who ever touched my life, “She makes up stories you can’t believe her, she’s mad!”
Seriously, if you ever fall for that shit from someone you should be ashamed of yourself, lots took what he said at face value, others just ignored him but some, some took his words to be gospel.
He’s even spouting now that I was the one that left him!
Yeah, I did, I made him leave me, I from my death bed, got up and told him to leave me, take everything of value and leave me afraid, alone and destitute.
Of course I did…..
Fucking laughable and if you believe that I have a timeshare in Pompeii to sell you!
He was setting me up to die….
This man who was supposed to be in love with me, to care for me, who was helping me eat every day, get up and walk around every day, helping me use the bathroom every day.
Did absolutely nothing but tell me I was going to die soon so get on and do it, organise my funeral and passage, who to give what to and why. So he didn’t have to deal with me or my belongings. Even now I have my things back the things I wanted, the pieces of me that meant a lot to me and he is alone with his world.
He’s using my surname because he hates himself and his own name that much….
Yeah.
So you see he had me ready for the drop, to be removed by my own hand and I would’ve too, if not for getting sick. When push came to shove I stuck my hooves in the ground and said “OH NO, YOU FIRST!”
To know he actually planned it, or a part of him did, to cut me off from everyone, everything and telling me there was no point in me trying to cope. I was dying anyway so what did it matter?
When I did the inconvenient thing and lived (whoops can’t even die right can I?), so he wanted to have his own little world and took everything he could. Telling me when he was gone the housing association would take my things and dump them. because thats what they did.
He knows how my life had been, that flat had been the longest I’d stayed anywhere in my life, and he was taking it away from me. Lying about me to the housing that I was an abuser, a person who belittled him daily, made his life unbearable. Made him feel ‘unsafe’.
Yeah, a mute, cowering woman who didn’t look you in the eye in case she upset you or hurt you by asking for a drink.
Sure, the woman who sat on the edge of the bed while you snored behind your mask in pain and thought about sleeping in her chair so you could sleep without being accused of keeping you awake all night with my tossing and turning.
Sure, you sleep on a mattress with springs that hurt your hips and knees, make it impossible to be comfortable and when you do fall asleep you set in a position you have to have help getting up so you don’t pee yourself.
Afraid to ask anyone for help because he’s told you no one likes you or even cares for you that much and don’t I realise how much of a burden I’ve been already! ‘Everyone asks about you Jo, no one asks how I am, do you know how selfish that makes you?!‘
I have to hear how much they feel for you but they never see how I feel or how I’m going to cope, its all about you, never about me, I work, I go out, I see to the money.
Thing is when folk asked about me, they were asking about him too, how he was doing but he only ever heard my name, never that they were interested in him too. Only that he felt ‘ignored, pushed out’ when he was the one suffering, not me.
Yeah, exact words here.
I’m the one dying, I’m the one with the terminal condition, but he wants the sympathy and when I’m not dying fast enough he tries to get me there faster.
Don’t tell me he ‘loves’ me or even can feel anything for anyone but himself. I was someone to use, to keep down, to abuse, to make him feel ‘big’, to take a young woman who had set herself on her way with someone she thought cared as much as she did for him.
It was all a lie, a con job, a long drawn out death for me, not him when all he wanted was the sympathy and care I seemed to get from everyone without asking. Because I do care about my ‘family’, those who have made my life bearable, til it turned sour and I was left with just him who wanted everything I had left, each bit of time I had left.
“I want it, it’s mine! All the time you have left is mine, no one elses! You’ll give it to me and no one else!”
Exact words, out of his mouth, almost bug eyed and angry at me for saying I wanted to see people and make memories with them so they had something nice to remember me by. He wouldn’t even let me die my own way….
and I’m the controlling whore who can’t let him breathe…
Yeah sure….
ghosthare22 