It’s been a while hasn’t it?
Lockdown, depression, mind running in circles, trying to keep myself occupied to actually hear myself think….
Yeah it’s been a long slow three months, yeah three months, that’s how long my lockdown has been, three months in the same place and I can finally get out of the place on the 1st July. Should have been the Equinox, but that didn’t happen.
Anyhoo, back to the motley…
I’m recovering, slowly, health wise I seem stable at the moment, no real issues yet but I do have to be careful. The virus that sent me into the hospital in the first place was probably Corona, the symptoms were the same, even down to the stomach issues and digestive problems, so I’ve had it, beat it, just. Doesn’t mean it can’t have another go.
So, mentally where am I?
Somewhere between fucked up and seriously angry, not just simmering angry but solid stonewalled silence that just speaks of violence. Not the hot screaming rage I once felt for someone else, oh no, this is cold, dead, the look a person gives you after they’ve had enough, done all they possibly can and still get shafted.
I’m going to have to do something soon because it’s just sitting there patiently, like it does waiting to mug me, waiting for a chance to slip into the driving seat and just let rip!
I mean, total, utter unadulterated smashing, destruction of property, stabbing, cutting, peeling and salting, hamstringing and then forcing them to walk on cut soles of feet on the broken bits of their life.
Knowing what was done to me and actually ‘feeling’ it when it all comes clear to you is another matter entirely.
And that they think you don’t even matter enough to give back what little you had in the first place…..
There’s no hells bad enough for them, no pain that part of me wouldn’t put them through right now and that is a BAD THING.
I can feel it lurking there, waiting, patiently, like it does for someone else I will bump into eventually, hearing that they’ve had contact from my abuser made me smile. Repeating patterns again after what did it say, “I’ll show you, I’ll be a different person in six months I’ll show you!”
I can hear the celestial laughter, even now I can see how much they’ve stayed the same and doing to someone else what they did to me.
Oh boy Karma is a bitch and it’s not a thing that waits for you, it’s in every single person around you. And when I can get out an I will, and hopefully be invited out to places I know I will see them, hear their laughter and stupid is as stupid does they’ll think they can approach me….
That’ll be when that anger comes up, when it’ll slip into my mind and do what it wants me to do, because I know myself well enough to know the last time I saw a man who tried to treat me as a thing, a subordinate he could talk down to, I almost glassed him.
I am not the person they knew, they stopped listening to me and told me to lose the anger that I’d felt for being abused by their lover. Yeah in my own home at that as well, I used to be such a forgiving person, but fuck that, not now!
I know why they ‘lost me’ when I sent my missive, because suddenly they realised how much I hated being controlled, talked down to, treated less than I deserved, and suddenly the light of revelation switched on in their head. If I could do that to someone I’d only known a few years, what would I do to them, who’d been hurting me for DECADES.
Yeah you read right, DEACDES.
One day I’ll bump into you and you’d better hope I’m not alone.
I’ll not be your victim again
That you can take to the bank.
ghosthare22 